Mourning

[Sir Henry]

After Donna passed away I tried to be strong and fought mourning her. I thought I was doing okay but a few weeks ago I went into a deep depression and didn't shower or leave the house for ten days. Then I just let it all out and cried constant for about two days. I sobbed and wept until I could cry no more. After a deep sleep I awoke to a new world.

Even though I live in the metropolitan Seattle area the small community where I live is a close knit group of families, some I have known for 28 years. Friends and neighbors tried to reach out to me but I just hid away and kept to myself. The only exception was hiking. On the first day of spring I started hiking with a neighbor. She lost her husband last July. We have hiked together almost every Monday and Thursday (we hiked today).

I may be 67 years old but I'm in great shape. I've lost over 40 pounds and have an average resting heart rate in the mid 50's. I can out hike/climb anyone my age that I know. Matter of fact even people twenty years younger can't keep up with me. I channeled all my sorrow into hiking and the neighbor did the same thing. She is nine years younger than I am and can keep up with me. We can do Mt. Si in under two hours. Our best time is just under 1 hour 53 minutes. Average time for most people is three to four hours.

Over the weeks and months I have come to like her more than I should and I feel guilty for liking her so soon after loosing Donna. But we have fun together. She makes me feel like a young man.

I feel confused and don't know what to do.

[Les]

Gene, life is too short to deny yourself any happiness. Take each day as it comes, and if your new friendship develops into something stronger, then it was meant to be.

I didn't know Donna, but I'm sure that she would prefer to see you happy than to watch you wasting your life away.

[RanchRoper]

I agree with Les. We all just do the best we can with the cards we are dealt. Cut yourself some slack.

[daytime dave]

Gene, as you stated, the boat has righted itself. You must go through stages as you described.

As to whether it's not time to appreciate someone else, that is your business and her business. I have known a few couples who came from circumstances similar to yours. They lost spouses and were friends for years before. A relationship grew in both cases. You are used to having someone around and so is she. I would say enjoy each others company and let things go where they will.

I hope your road to recovery keeps getting smoother. Congratulations on the weight loss and the speed climbing.

As Les said, life is short. Enjoy it whenever possible.

[JBlaisdell]

Do not feel guilty. It is a testament to your relationship with Donna that you would so miss the company and companionship as to want to have something like it again. I suspect she would want you to be happy, to enjoy life, to LIVE while you can.

[CT_Shooter]

Gene, you've been given some good, solid advice and I hope the best for you. Thanks for sharing with us.

I met my wife as a teenager fifty years ago. We'll be married for 44 years in September. She's receiving Hospice Home care now because she's too weak to be treated with chemo. I lie in bed with her for hours at a time and I cry day and night. "I learn by going where I have to go". You're helping.

The Waking
By Theodore Roethke

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.

Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me; so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.

This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.

[RanchRoper]

Gene, have you considered grief counseling? Family and friends are great, and certainly help, but most of us just don't have the tools. A professional can help guide you through what you are going through and put you on a path to recovery. They won't have the answers, and won't likely say do this or don't do that, but they'll listen and help you learn to cope.
Give it some thought if you haven't already. Sometimes we just can't fix things ourselves and need a little help.
As for spending time with someone who makes you feel a little better? Maybe when you are smiling, those are the times Donna is smiling too. Take care of yourself.
Just an old cowboy's $.02 worth.

[Sir Henry]

Gene, you've been given some good, solid advice and I hope the best for you. Thanks for sharing with us.

I met my wife as a teenager fifty years ago. We'll be married for 44 years in September. She's receiving Hospice Home care now because she's too weak to be treated with chemo. I lie in bed with her for hours at a time and I cry day and night. "I learn by going where I have to go". You're helping.

I can sure relate to you.

The Kübler-Ross model of grief was what I went through. In my case where I knew Donna would pass away the stages began even before she passed and I would often go through the first four stages. But also in knowing there are other elements such as wishing it was over and then feeling guilty you had such thoughts. This was the most true in the last few weeks when she was in a comma and not able to interact with me.

I suspect I will revisit some of the stages but I have accepted her death. Thanks to all that have replied.

[North Country Gal]

Gene, don't overthink this. Grief is something best taken one day at a time. I've found that strictly disciplining myself to live in the present, enjoying the moment, drinking in all that is around you (and that includes your friends), is the best way to proceed until your heart heals. In time, you will be able to reminisce and enjoy all those wonderful memories you had with Donna.

I do understand about moving and being active to combat grief and loneliness. Have used this therapy with my bicycling in the past. It works and does a lot to combat the effects of grief-induced stress on the body. Staying active with a physical activity forces you to stay in the present. Don't forget your shooting, here. It's also a great way to do this.

[ditto1958]

Gene,

I have a couple of suggestions that I strongly suggest you consider:

1. Do get some professional help. Doesn't have to be labeled "grief counseling," but it should be a mental health professional.

2. You and your friend should both try to determine that your friemdship is not a "rebound" relationship. If it is, it could hurt both of you.

3. I don't see any reason for you to feel guilty about liking someone else. If your wife had outlived you, I suspect you would have wanted her to find happiness after you were gone.

I lost my father a little over two years ago. I have been alive almost 60 years, and his death hit me like a cement truck. No other deaths of family members had ever come even close to how hard his death was for me.

Now that time has passed, it has become easier, but the sadness never truly goes away.

I think dealing with a loss requires a two-fold approach:

1. On the outside, keep going full speed ahead. Live your life to the fullest.

2. At the same time, do not ignore the grieving process. You need to do it.

Balancing these two things is hard, but necessary.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

[Sir Henry]

ditto,

I am seeing my VA shrink. He knows me well as I've seen him for about 7 years over a 14 year period for PTSD. And I'm going camping (alone) in a few days and will see an old friend where I can talk freely. Sometimes I can't talk to people about things but I can talk to him.

I don't think it is a rebound thing but Evelyn and I have talked about it. Its good that we have the support of everyone we know. Even her three daughters approve of us as a couple.

[daytime dave]

I'm glad you will be seeing your old friend who you can talk freely too. All too often, some people don't have someone like that. \

I'm grateful that I have someone like that too.

[ace73]

Sometimes an old friend can be the best medicine!
Good to hear that you're still hiking !

[RanchRoper]

Let's see range photos with the coffee cup soon too.

[North Country Gal]

Let's see range photos with the coffee cup soon too.

A big plus one on that.

[Sir Henry]

Let's see range photos with the coffee cup soon too.

When I take hiking pictures I sometimes include a cup. Only now its an iced protein drink.

[BigAl52]

Gene if you lead with your heart rather than your mind it might help you work things thru. I might also add that greiving is something that I dont think anyone can tell you how to do. Its an individual thing and I hope and pray that you are able to work through your loss. Al

[Catherine]

I pray for you.

I wish you happiness and peace.

Cate