The adjustment period....when does it get better?

[fortyshooter]

Well 6 months have passed since my wife has been in Memory Care facility and several months since I had to put Buster down and the house just too damn quiet. I visit her twice a week for several hours and of course it is a shame to see her just dwindle away. Getting to the point that I am missing a woman around the house since my whole adult life was based around one. I sit out in front of my garage on the nice evenings with my music cranked up and just relax and watch. Very few if any neighbors walking around and if they do don't walk up and say Hi or just talk....I have to be the one to start a conversation. Woman across the street in her 60s I guess lives alone but has sons living in the area. Her husband died suddenly 4 years ago when they lived in Northern Va. and she rents this house she is in. When I see her out doing yard work I will start up a conversation but never works the other way. Woman right next door my age and her husband dies Jan. 2025 around same time my brother passed away. We talk when I see her out since we been neighbors for 35 years but she mostly stays in her house. Just gets lonely as hell around here at times but I keep myself busy with my projects.
Maybe some get used to it easily but I not one of them.
My VW Bug project getting close to finish with the sound system and installing carpet for that former back seat area and be glad when done so I can relax and enjoy it. Took my Lil' Beast Mustang out Sunday evening as the weather was perfect and it had been 2 weeks or so since I last had it out and that machine is great medicine to bring you back to life!
Margie and I have our Anniversary 51 coming up soon but it will be different this time compared to last year. Just don't see me getting used to this single type way of life anytime soon.
Anyway got to go down to my range tomorrow and cut the grass as the lower humidity and 80 degree temps will be moving out soon and maybe I will shoot something again while there!

[cooperhawk]

I spent five years in college studying Psychology and when my wife took my children and disappeared I was still lost.

Here's the thing. You're a married man and many taboos get involved so even if they want to get friendly, it would still
be considered adultery. I know, all you need is some company right now.

There are support groups around for folks like I was but I kept to myself for a long time. Most folks get involved with their
church activities or some charity work.

What I did do was get involved with a very large conservation/hunting group and became the
president. I was the president of that for several years until suddenly my Children contacted me and asked to come live with
me. I was ecstatic but that also meant that I had little time for any of that anymore.

That was me, what turns your crank I'm sure is deferent, but somewhere there is an activity that would fill your time.
I have a widowed gentleman friend that took up line dancing.

[Sir Henry]

What coop said about you still being married yet in the most practical sense does not have a wife rang a bell with me. I went on YMCA hikes when Donna got ill. It was socially acceptable because it was a group setting. I would highly recommend you try and find some activity that involves a group that aren’t necessarily your neighbors. It works best to not advance outings to just two people because even if nothing happens people will talk.

Great picture of you two.

[DsGrouse]

I have no advice. I am quite a bit younger. I am a bit north of goochland. Rockville area. Drop me a line, we can grab lunch sometime.

[HenryFan]

forty -

I can't offer much since I have never been in your shoes but try to hold onto the good times. Maybe when you think of the good times, you will remember Ms. forty and Buster in a way that will bring a smile.

Best wishes, my friend.

[BrokenolMarine]

The other option is volunteer work, or find some competition you want to shoot in. My mentor is close to 80 and still shooting in various matches in the Virginia area, and winning. Greentop or Southern Gun should be able to tell you what's going on with that world.

I was shooting three PPC matches a month back when I was into it, but these guys were shooting a lot. They shot PPC, bullseye, skeet, trap, high power, benchrest, bowling pin, Glock Shooting Sports Federation... And more. It was always something. You don't have to get serious unless you want too, most of the groups welcome novice or recreational shooters. I was planning to give cowboy action a try ... But we moved.

[Ted124]

I wish you strength. That's all I can say at this point.
God resides within us. He will never abandon us.
Try to get in touch with the God inside yourself and ask him for guidance.
You will receive an answer.

[CT_Shooter]

Like you, I met my wife when we were teenagers. I was 16 and she was 17. We went steady through High School and were married for 40 years when she was diagnosed with lung cancer. Non-smoker. She died three years later. I cried all day, everyday, for three full years. And for the next three years I only cried whenever I spoke to anyone about her or with any reminder that she was gone. It's been nine years now, and I can finally talk about her with admiration and feel gratitude for the wonderful life we spent together.

Sadly, nobody else's experience will help you through it. That river of grief runs deep and sometimes breaks through without warning. For me, it took time; a long time to find reasons to be happy again. I'll continue to miss her, of course, but it no longer fills my mind with grief.

Your situation is quite different than mine since Margie is still in the world and may be for quite awhile. I think that's more difficult to endure, but you'll find peace again, too, eventually. It takes time. You have my deepest condolences.

[cooperhawk]

My best friend of 45 years is in a care facility in Texas. He has suffered several strokes and the last one was massive. We stopped to visit him and his wife last Winter and in three visits he knew me once and with his old humor insulted me one last time. I just know he would rather die than be there, and I wish he could. God forgive me.

We met when we lived in Northern Virginia. I was by myself, my ex had taken the children and disappeared and I was lonely. this guy knocked on my door and asked if I would teach him how to fish and hunt. Strange request, but sure, why not. He was a United Airlines pilot. Sometimes God moves in mysterious way.

We fished the Potomac, shot groundhogs in the Shenandoah Valley, hunted deer in the Blue Ridge Mountains.
He then was moved to Colorado by the Airline and I visited he and his wife there where we hiked in the Rocky mountains.
We fished with them in Canada on Lake of the Woods and in Texas at Aransas Pass many times.

His Wife Lynn is lost now. She doesn't know what to do with all his gear, guns, boat, and vehicles. We visit with her and she calls me from time to time.

I tell her she has to carry on. He is not coming back. She feels like she is betraying him selling his stuff and I tell her not to feel that way. Their Newmar Motorhome is just gathering dust, sell it. He has three boats, sell them, they have two homes, sell one, and so on.

The point is to accept reality and carry on. A chapter of your life is over and all that is left are wonderful memories. The hurt will dissipate over time, but your responsibility now is not just to her, but to yourself and your family. Take care of yourself.

Many years ago I attended the Govt. School for Management. One course we had was based on the book, "The Governmental Grid". For years the Federal Govt has been tracking employees and what happens when there is a traumatic occurrence in someone's life, (like yours). Statistics tell us that within two years the surviving member will develop some serious health problems. I have seen it in my own family many times and now that I am aware of it, it stands out.

The reason I'm relating this is because the survivors that found another purpose in life came through all right, but the ones who lost their identify did not. So the best idea is to find new interests to keep one occupied and move on even while suffering through watching a loved one eventually pass away.

Sorry for the Sermon folks. BTW, My Mother in Law, a wonderful woman, also suffered from dementia and we watched her slowly deteriorate and die from it. It's hard.

[Hatchdog]

There’s some wonderful advice above. Thankfully I’m not in a position where I would need to heed now but I’m taking it to heart should my life take a turn like Forty’s has. Forty, hopefully you can find your happy place again, we’re all sending positive vibes to you.

[fortyshooter]

Thank you all for the support ! I just take it a day at a time. The facility is having their annual car show and festival in a few weeks and will enjoy sitting/walking with my wife as we enjoy the cars and maybe is will spark a good memory in her. I plan on having the 65 VW on display and working to finish up the sound system.

[Coach]

I’m sorry for your situation.

Maybe a puppy would help with the quietness of your house.

I’m not trying to be flip about things.

It would give you companionship and comfort.

Just a thought.

[Sir Henry]

I’m sorry for your situation.

Maybe a puppy would help with the quietness of your house.

I’m not trying to be flip about things.

It would give you companionship and comfort.

Just a thought.

I think that is a great idea.

[cooperhawk]

I do so love dogs, but, a pup is a lot of trouble! The last few pets we've had were rescues and
they were great. Already house broken and so glad to have a home.
Just be picky if you chose to do that. Our youngest has a big heart and has brought home some
real problem animals. The current one barks constantly, even at her.

[Hatchdog]

Thank you all for the support ! I just take it a day at a time. The facility is having their annual car show and festival in a few weeks and will enjoy sitting/walking with my wife as we enjoy the cars and maybe is will spark a good memory in her. I plan on having the 65 VW on display and working to finish up the sound system.

Having your VW on display is a win win. A win for you to get to show it and for all the folks at the facility especially your wife to enjoy seeing it.

[RanchRoper]

We just learn to live with life’s changes, we can’t go back.

Sorry about your situation, all you can do is take life 1 day at a time.

[daytime dave]

Go to the local animal shelter and see if you click with anything there. Most are housebroken. Cat or dog, they will let you know.

[fortyshooter]

Yes I do miss my Buster but I think at this point I am taking a break from pets. Like I worried about the last couple years if something happened to me there would be nobody to take care of him and my wife at that time would not be able to handle it with her loss of memory. It is also becoming very expensive for vet care if you can find one taking new customers. And I NEVER want to go thru what I did when Buster neared his end with dog dementia!! Since Buster has been gone I hardly go in the backyard other than cut the grass....just not the same.

[RanchRoper]

He’s not gone. You just can’t see him.

[Hatchdog]

He’s not gone. You just can’t see him.