My thoughts for today:

[cooperhawk]

> When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
>
>
>
> To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
>
>
> When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
>
>
> Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”
>
> Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”
>
>
> Cop: “Please step out of the car.”
>
> Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”
>
>
> I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
>
>
> I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
>
>
> Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
>
>
> If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
>
>
> When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
>
>
> Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.
>
>
> I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
>
>
> I run like the winded.
>
>
> I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
>
>
> When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
>
>
> I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.
>
>
> When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
>
>
> I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
>
>
> When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
>
>
> It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
>
>
> Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
>
>
> That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
>
>
> Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
>
>
> The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
>
>
> My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
>

[CT_Shooter]

If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

[BrokenolMarine]

> When one door closes and another door opens, you're tolerances are way too tight.
>
>
>
> When I say, “The other day,” means I forget when I did it, but I think it was me.
>
>
> I had my patience tested. Didn't work out well for the tester.
>
>
> When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I'm sticking to my plan.
>
>
> When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I laugh and tell them I can't remember what I had for breakfast.
>
>
> When you a squat, aren't you supposed to come back up?
>
>
> When I ask for directions, please don’t tell me I can't get there from here.
>
>
> That moment when you find half a worm in your apple.

>
>
> My luck is like the guy who starts his week by rear ending a car on the day he forgot his wallet... then discovers it's an unmarked police car.
>

[Shakey Jake]

A couple of years ago I pulled up to a light and watched in my rear view mirror as a car rear ended the Texas State Trooper's car that was behind me. That person was really having a bad day.

[markiver54]

>
>
>
> That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
>
>

>

I can relate to ALL, however been there, done that.

[BrokenolMarine]

>
>
>
> That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
>
>

>

I can relate to ALL, however been there, done that.

Yup

Except, when I lived in south FL and walked into those giant spider webs with the baseball size spiders...

Not karate master...

... Six year old girl doing the.bug dance and screaming....

[markiver54]

[Mags]

.
I can relate to most of them as well. Like CT I have got to remember this one for later use.

If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

[TMB]

>
>
>
> That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
>
>

>

I can relate to ALL, however been there, done that.

Yup

Except, when I lived in south FL and walked into those giant spider webs with the baseball size spiders...

Not karate master...

... Six year old girl doing the.bug dance and screaming....

Don't you just Hate spiders? They can turn a big man into a little girl with one strand of web.

[cooperhawk]

I love a group who have a sense of humor.

[cooperhawk]

Dear Family,
I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday. Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. 2:00! Arrive late and you get what's left over.

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.
12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.
I really mean all of the above.

Love You, Grandma

[markiver54]

AMEN Coop, and grandma!!

[Ernie]

Good judgement comes from experience. And experience? Well that comes from poor judgement.

[Ojaileveraction]

And experience? Well that comes from poor judgement.

Maybe "surviving poor judgement."

[Mags]

.
Yup all that.

And experience? Well that comes from poor judgement.

Maybe "surviving poor judgement."

[Mags]

.
Good Grandma rules!

Dear Family,
I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday. Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. 2:00! Arrive late and you get what's left over.

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.
12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.
I really mean all of the above.

Love You, Grandma

[cooperhawk]

WHY SOME MEN HAVE DOGS
INSTEAD OF WIVES
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you
get another dog?"

10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just
think it's interesting.

12. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

13. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.


To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open the
garage and see who's happy
to see you!

[markiver54]

So true! Another good one Coop.

[Mags]

.
Funny!

WHY SOME MEN HAVE DOGS
INSTEAD OF WIVES
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you
get another dog?"

10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just
think it's interesting.

12. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

13. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.


To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open the
garage and see who's happy
to see you!

[Vaquero]

Y'all are on a roll...
keep it up.

RP