Could I impose on your time to give me an opinion?

[Mags]

So "...pilot again.." doesn't refer to a ship, but to a Skipjack drone? I think I got it.

[DsGrouse]

So "...pilot again.." doesn't refer to a ship, but to a Skipjack drone? I think I got it.

Yep. exactly. the ship doesn't come for a while.

[daytime dave]

I like this one. Without knowing what is in the book, it seems to give a glimpse or preview of what is contained. Each area is in it's own grouping and seems to give a look at what's to come.


"I am the sole survivor of the failed Dillon Dimensional Gate, and when I stumbled back through the gate, twenty-seven thousand settlers lost their connection to Earth Prime.

Adding insult to injury, the past two years of recovery were a series of harsh lessons, starting with my former employer publicly accusing me of having something to do with Dillon Dimensional Gate's failure. I fear an unseen adversary and believe they are far older than anyone suspects, and their reach across time, distance, and dimensions is unparalleled.

Thanks to a brother from my days in the mud and blood, I have a new purpose that allows me to pilot SkipJacks while working to clear my name.

I have found my love, my Siren, that grounds my humanity as I forge mankind's path on new worlds. "

[DsGrouse]

I like this one. Without knowing what is in the book, it seems to give a glimpse or preview of what is contained. Each area is in it's own grouping and seems to give a look at what's to come.


"I am the sole survivor of the failed Dillon Dimensional Gate, and when I stumbled back through the gate, twenty-seven thousand settlers lost their connection to Earth Prime.

Adding insult to injury, the past two years of recovery were a series of harsh lessons, starting with my former employer publicly accusing me of having something to do with Dillon Dimensional Gate's failure. I fear an unseen adversary and believe they are far older than anyone suspects, and their reach across time, distance, and dimensions is unparalleled.

Thanks to a brother from my days in the mud and blood, I have a new purpose that allows me to pilot SkipJacks while working to clear my name.

I have found my love, my Siren, that grounds my humanity as I forge mankind's path on new worlds. "

Thank you. I'm playing around with less detail. IE taking it back from the story points to a broader interest. Could you explain what about this version stands out, Good and Bad?

Two samples I am playing with. How do these strike you all? Does the last line work better or worse as a hook than my previous attempts?

Sample A:

When lightning strikes you twice, not only do you burn, but your bones char.

A colony world is lost; twenty-seven thousand colonists had their connection to humanity severed, and my former employer blames me.

The incident killed two people. I am broken, alone, and recuperating when my old life knocks on my door with an explanation and an offer.

I learned the attack on the colony was not my foe's first attempt, nor do I believe it will be their last.

Sample B:

When lightning strikes you twice, not only do you burn, but your bones char.

A colony world is lost; twenty-seven thousand colonists had their connection to humanity severed, and my former employer blames me.

The incident killed two people. I am broken, alone, and recuperating when my old life knocks on my door with an explanation and an offer.

Is enough of my humanity left in my ruined body to face untold foes?

[daytime dave]

Sure.

In the one I said I liked, you state what happened, what you are currently doing and that an old foe is likely behind it and will probably appear in the future. You explain that you have a love interest that is keeping you human as you venture to new worlds. The only issue might be repeating the Dillon Dimensional Gate twice in so few words.

The other two blurbs lose me at the beginning. It implies something happened twice, but it does not compel my interest. Both blurbs are nice and short, but the first one seems more interesting than the second minus the first sentence. As a hook, neither last line hooks me. I like the example a last line a little better.

[DsGrouse]

Sure.

In the one I said I liked, you state what happened, what you are currently doing and that an old foe is likely behind it and will probably appear in the future. You explain that you have a love interest that is keeping you human as you venture to new worlds. The only issue might be repeating the Dillon Dimensional Gate twice in so few words.

The other two blurbs lose me at the beginning. It implies something happened twice, but it does not compel my interest. Both blurbs are nice and short, but the first one seems more interesting than the second minus the first sentence. As a hook, neither last line hooks me. I like the example a last line a little better.

Thank you again. I cleaned up the second gate reference and focused on tuning it and the other one to first person. How do these suit you?


Option A:
I am the sole survivor of the failed Dillon Dimensional Gate, and when I stumbled back through the gate, twenty-seven thousand settlers lost their connection to Earth Prime.

Adding insult to injury, the past two years of recovery were a series of harsh lessons, starting with my former employer publicly accusing me of having something to do with the disaster.

Thanks to a brother from my days in the mud and blood, I have a new purpose that allows me to pilot SkipJacks while working to clear my name.

Even though I have found my love, my Siren that grounds my humanity as I forge mankind's path on new worlds, we fear an unseen adversary. Our foe is far older than anyone suspects, and their reach across time, distance, and dimensions is unparalleled.

Option B:

Lightning not only boiled my flesh, it also charred my bones.

A colony world is lost; twenty-seven thousand colonists are severed from humanity, and my former employer blames me.

The incident killed two people. I am broken, alone, and recuperating when my old life knocks on my door with an explanation and an offer.

I learned the attack on the colony was not my foe's first attempt, nor do I believe it will be the last.

[daytime dave]

So I read A and B as if this was the first time I had encountered any of this.
I liked A much better than B. I added the first line of B to the end of the first line of A. I added my own thought about it being an accident. In parenthesis.

Knowing what I have about the project so far, I think B left a lot of holes. It is brief and grabs some attention.


"I am the sole survivor of the disasterous failure of the Dillon Dimensional Gate, and when I stumbled back through the gate, twenty-seven thousand settlers lost their connection to Earth Prime. As I came back, lightning not only boiled my flesh, it also charred my bones.

Adding insult to injury, the past two years of recovery were a series of harsh lessons, starting with my former employer publicly accusing me of having something to do with the disaster. (The real cause was almost unfathomable.)

Thanks to a brother from my days in the mud and blood, I have a new purpose that allows me to pilot SkipJacks while working to clear my name.

Even though I have found my love, my Siren that grounds my humanity as I forge mankind's path on new worlds, we fear an unseen adversary. Our foe is far older than anyone suspects, and their reach across time, distance, and dimensions is unparalleled.

[DsGrouse]

So I read A and B as if this was the first time I had encountered any of this.
I liked A much better than B. I added the first line of B to the end of the first line of A. I added my own thought about it being an accident. In parenthesis.

Knowing what I have about the project so far, I think B left a lot of holes. It is brief and grabs some attention.


"I am the sole survivor of the disasterous failure of the Dillon Dimensional Gate, and when I stumbled back through the gate, twenty-seven thousand settlers lost their connection to Earth Prime. As I came back, lightning not only boiled my flesh, it also charred my bones.

Adding insult to injury, the past two years of recovery were a series of harsh lessons, starting with my former employer publicly accusing me of having something to do with the disaster. (The real cause was almost unfathomable.)

Thanks to a brother from my days in the mud and blood, I have a new purpose that allows me to pilot SkipJacks while working to clear my name.

Even though I have found my love, my Siren that grounds my humanity as I forge mankind's path on new worlds, we fear an unseen adversary. Our foe is far older than anyone suspects, and their reach across time, distance, and dimensions is unparalleled.

That flows pretty well together. Thank you. I appiciate the help, its been a long couple of days working on this.


Here is what I've learned today.

This is a synopsis, and though a blurb often comes from a synopsis, it might not.

The second thing I've learned is that this is equal to 11th through freshman year of college reading level. Which is fine for a synopsis.

But, yes there is a but.

It is not ideal for a blurb.

For a blurb, you want a 7th-grade reading level. What is that like in applicable terms? Most of Hemingway's works were done around that level.

It allows for quick retention on sight. Or so I've been told and read.

Version B is 7th through 10th-grade reading level, depending on which test you compare it against.

What does this mean? Heck if I know. The next thing I learned was concerning click-through rates for sales.

And according to that data, a stock blurb like either of these is darn near useless. As other things lend to a much higher click through rate.


So, i've got some questions out about option A's suitably for ad copy/synopsis and option B' suitably for the blurb. If there is a time when i can edit option b to include high click through data items i will

[DsGrouse]

Case in point, i just made the rounds through all of the places i have my blurbs posted.

It is a dead heat between option A and option B.

Shrug

It proves that I dont know what I dont know.

[daytime dave]

Ha, life has a way of showing you that you know nothing, even though you do.

This has been fun so far. But I don't need to earn anything for my time.

Keep at it.

[DsGrouse]

On small piece was pointed out. Option B was past tense, and it should be present.

How does this flow for you?
Lightning not only boils flesh, it also chars bones.

A colony world is lost; twenty-seven thousand colonists are severed from humanity, and my former employer blames me.

The incident kills two people. I am broken, alone, and recuperating when my old life knocks on my door with an explanation and an offer.

I learn that the attack on the colony is not my foe's first attempt, nor do I believe it will be the last.

[daytime dave]

It's short, catchy and piques the interest as far as I can say.

[DsGrouse]

I believe this is the final tense change to Option B. This turns a couple of lines from past tense to Present perfect.

Lightning has not only boiled my flesh, it also charred my bones.

A colony world is lost; twenty-seven thousand colonists are severed from humanity, and my former employer blames me.

The incident has killed two people. I am broken, alone, and recuperating when my old life knocks on my door with an explanation and an offer.

I learn that the attack on the colony is not my foe's first attempt, nor do I believe it will be the last.

[daytime dave]

I believe this is the final tense change to Option B. This turns a couple of lines from past tense to Present perfect.

Lightning has not only boiled my flesh, it also charred my bones.

A colony world is lost; twenty-seven thousand colonists are severed from humanity, and my former employer blames me.

The incident has killed two people. I am broken, alone, and recuperating when my old life knocks on my door with an explanation and an offer.

I learn that the attack on the colony is not my foe's first attempt, nor do I believe it will be the last.

Sounds good.

[DsGrouse]

I tried my hand at writing a bit of Ad Copy/Synopsis

How does this read?

The Epic Science Fiction novel, "My Name is War," follows Raylan, who surveys new worlds, wages a proxy war to clear his name, and discovers there is much more to his past than he imagined.

Raylan finds himself lying in a hospital bed. Much of his life and the people he knew were nowhere to be found. The installation where he worked is gone; with it, the tenuous connection to Earth Prime for twenty-seven thousand souls.

His recuperation is long and arduous; he is alone and ostracized by the community around him. Whispers and rumors of him having something to do with the accident at the installation abound. Things look grim as a brother from his past, his days of being in the mud and the blood knocks on his door.

With that friendly face comes an explanation and an offer for better things. It's a chance to clear his karmic debt, build something new, and possibly pilot SkipJacks again.

In a life beyond his wildest dreams, he finds a peer, an equal, a paragon of industry, and a love to last thousands of years. Together, they are more than the sum of their parts, and with this love comes an old foe—a nightmare from their separate pasts. If it is the same foe, it is old, older than people believe is possible in this new wonderous age of rejuvenation therapies.

In this epic story, Earth Prime's ancient past faces off against the future the universe will allow it to have while revealing humanity's role in the untold history of man, space, and the cosmos.

With the aid of a love that grounds Raylan's humanity, the pair will face off against the mundane evils that humans breed, foes so long forgotten they are but myths in our memories, and a power that is only rapacious hunger for life.

"My Name is War" is the first book in this five-volume epic series. It's a story of a man setting aside desires and wants to stand as a sentinel for the future of all mankind. Evan DeShais enthralls as he delivers a slow-burning tale that pays back with each page turned as Raylan and his allies face fears, sorrows, loss, redemption, and success against all comers.

Be sure to watch out for future volumes of this Sci-Fi adventure that spans thousands of Earths and many worlds in the richly developed Earth Prime universe.

[daytime dave]

Afer our small but epic journey to help you, I think this best explains the book you have written. Even though I haven't read it, after our discussions, it seems to sum up those conversations and add to them to make a nice summary.

[DsGrouse]

A small set of adjustments to the Ad Copy.

The Epic Science Fiction novel, "My Name is War," follows Raylan, who guards dimensional gates, wages a proxy war to clear his name, and discovers there is much more to his past than he imagined.

Raylan finds himself lying in a hospital bed. Much of his life and the people he knew were nowhere to be found. The installation where he worked is gone, and with it, the tenuous connection for twenty-seven thousand souls to Earth Prime.

His recuperation is long and arduous; he is alone and ostracized by the community around him. Whispers and rumors of him having something to do with the accident at the installation abound. Things look grim as a man from his past, his days of being in the mud and the blood knocks on his door.

With that friendly face comes an explanation and an offer for better things. It's a chance to clear his karmic debt, build something new, and possibly pilot SkipJacks again.

In a life beyond his wildest dreams, he finds a peer, an equal, a paragon of industry, and a love to last thousands of years. Together, they are more than the sum of their parts, and with this love comes an old foe—a nightmare from their separate pasts. If it is the same foe, it is old, older than people believe is possible in this new wonderous age of rejuvenation therapies.

In this epic story, Earth Prime's ancient past faces off against the future the universe will allow it to have while revealing humanity's role in the untold history of man, space, and the cosmos.

With the aid of a love that grounds Raylan's humanity, the pair will face off against the mundane evils that humans breed, foes so long forgotten they are but myths in our memories, and a power that is only rapacious hunger for life.

"My Name is War" is the first book in this five-volume epic series. It's a story of a man setting aside desires and wants to stand as a sentinel for the future of all mankind. Evan DeShais enthralls as he delivers a slow-burning tale that pays back with each page turned as Raylan and his allies face fears, sorrows, loss, redemption, and success against all comers.

Be sure to watch out for future volumes of this Sci-Fi adventure that spans thousands of Earths and many worlds in the richly developed Earth Prime universe.

[daytime dave]

That gives a few more details and it's just that much better than the previous version. Well done.

[DsGrouse]

So, hopefully, OCT 31st. I've formatted it and found a few errors from formatting that I need to clean up. I've got to update the blurb and ad copy. Then it is a matter of uploading it to Google Play Books, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Ingram Spark, Direct 2 Digital, Kobo, and Apple. I'll have to sort out any errors that each of those sites comes up with and situate the formatting for paperback/tradeback before release.

So, that's what's left. Not including link tree, and organizing advertising blots on Instagram and Facebook. I'm not sure I'll run an Amazon ad yet. I think I want to put together a website and mailing list prior to kicking off Amazon ads.

[daytime dave]

It sounds like a plan.