Joke of the week.

[Hatchdog]

Joke of the Week

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how you determine if a patient needs to be institutionalized.

"Well", said the director, "We fill up a bathtub and give the patient a spoon, a teacup, and a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub."

"OK, so I understand."I said, "Because a normal person would choose the bucket because it is bigger than a spoon or teacup and would empty the tub faster."

"No," he said, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with a window?"

[Vaquero]

Good one.

RP

[cooperhawk]

I heard this one last week.

So God created Adam and he said, "Adam, I want you to follow my instructions just as I tell you. See that hill there?"
And Adam said, "God, what's a hill?" and so God explained.
Then God said, "follow that valley down the hill."
And Adam asked, "What's a valley?" So god explained.
And God said, "At the bottom of the valley , cross the stream."
And Adam asked, "God, what is a stream?" So God explained.
Then God instructed, "After you cross the stream, follow the trail."
And Adam asked, "God, what is a trail?" So God explained.
And God said, "At the end of the trail there is a cave."
And Adam asked, "God, what is a cave?" So God patiently explained.
Then God instructed him to enter the cave and find the woman.
And Adam asked, "God, what is a woman?" And God said, "You'll know when you see one, trust me."
And Adam asked, "God, what do I do then?" And God said, "Procreate."
And Adam asked, "God, what is that?" And God becoming frustrated replied, "Just ask the woman, She'll know."

So Adam went down the trail from the hill, crossed the stream, followed the path, found the cave and entered it.

Soon he was back on the hill, much to God's chagrin. And God, growing weary said, "Adam, what is it now?"


Wait for it...................




And Adam asked, "God, what's a headache?"

[The Happy Kaboomer]

Good one!

[Vaquero]

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RP

[GeoBoy]

Ewwwww.

[Oldbrass]

And God said I will provide good and obedient wives in all corners of the Earth, then he made the world round and laughed and laughed and laughed

[Vaquero]

Christmas Shopping....
Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping at a busy shopping mall just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his phone.
The wife said "Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I couldn’t afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I’m in the gun shop next door to that."

RP

[Hatchdog]

Classic!

[Vaquero]

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RP

[Hatchdog]

Here’s one us graybeards can appreciate:

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[zara_puppy]

From now on when I’m standing in line at the store I’ll be looking up. Thanks!!

[Hatchdog]

So, how do you catch an Elephant?





Dig a hole and fill it with ashes. Then spread peas all around.

When the Elephant comes up to take a pee kick him in the ash-hole.




Sorry, my third grade sense of humor gets the best of me some days. Yesterday I cleaned the wood stove and still had a full bucket of ash from the last time I cleaned it. I also had a full ash bin from the charcoal grill. I normally dump the ash on my burn pile but it’s still covered with snow and there is a tarp under the snow. I also had a small sink hole open up from when I had a big hole dug to bury root balls from the land clearing done when the house was built. So with the above joke in mind I poured the ash into the hole and spread peas around. Just couldn’t help myself.

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[Vaquero]

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.
Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"
"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."
"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Did this boy ever have to fight temptation?"
"Oh, yes, many times," answered the old man. "But he eventually won. Unfortunately, he heroically died at one point, but he came back to life shortly afterwards."
Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this actually be His father?
"One last question," He said. "Were you a carpenter?"
"Why yes," replied the old man. "Yes I was."
Jesus rubbed His eyes and said, "Dad?"
The old man rubbed his eyes and said,....

"Pinocchio?"


RP

[Vaquero]

SHOPPING WITH THE WIFE... AN EVERYDAY THING...
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Sainsbury's.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
Sainsbury's...
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff passed out.

RP