Could I impose on your time to give me an opinion?

[Mags]

So "...pilot again.." doesn't refer to a ship, but to a Skipjack drone? I think I got it.

[DsGrouse]

So "...pilot again.." doesn't refer to a ship, but to a Skipjack drone? I think I got it.

Yep. exactly. the ship doesn't come for a while.

[daytime dave]

I like this one. Without knowing what is in the book, it seems to give a glimpse or preview of what is contained. Each area is in it's own grouping and seems to give a look at what's to come.


"I am the sole survivor of the failed Dillon Dimensional Gate, and when I stumbled back through the gate, twenty-seven thousand settlers lost their connection to Earth Prime.

Adding insult to injury, the past two years of recovery were a series of harsh lessons, starting with my former employer publicly accusing me of having something to do with Dillon Dimensional Gate's failure. I fear an unseen adversary and believe they are far older than anyone suspects, and their reach across time, distance, and dimensions is unparalleled.

Thanks to a brother from my days in the mud and blood, I have a new purpose that allows me to pilot SkipJacks while working to clear my name.

I have found my love, my Siren, that grounds my humanity as I forge mankind's path on new worlds. "

[DsGrouse]

I like this one. Without knowing what is in the book, it seems to give a glimpse or preview of what is contained. Each area is in it's own grouping and seems to give a look at what's to come.


"I am the sole survivor of the failed Dillon Dimensional Gate, and when I stumbled back through the gate, twenty-seven thousand settlers lost their connection to Earth Prime.

Adding insult to injury, the past two years of recovery were a series of harsh lessons, starting with my former employer publicly accusing me of having something to do with Dillon Dimensional Gate's failure. I fear an unseen adversary and believe they are far older than anyone suspects, and their reach across time, distance, and dimensions is unparalleled.

Thanks to a brother from my days in the mud and blood, I have a new purpose that allows me to pilot SkipJacks while working to clear my name.

I have found my love, my Siren, that grounds my humanity as I forge mankind's path on new worlds. "

Thank you. I'm playing around with less detail. IE taking it back from the story points to a broader interest. Could you explain what about this version stands out, Good and Bad?

Two samples I am playing with. How do these strike you all? Does the last line work better or worse as a hook than my previous attempts?

Sample A:

When lightning strikes you twice, not only do you burn, but your bones char.

A colony world is lost; twenty-seven thousand colonists had their connection to humanity severed, and my former employer blames me.

The incident killed two people. I am broken, alone, and recuperating when my old life knocks on my door with an explanation and an offer.

I learned the attack on the colony was not my foe's first attempt, nor do I believe it will be their last.

Sample B:

When lightning strikes you twice, not only do you burn, but your bones char.

A colony world is lost; twenty-seven thousand colonists had their connection to humanity severed, and my former employer blames me.

The incident killed two people. I am broken, alone, and recuperating when my old life knocks on my door with an explanation and an offer.

Is enough of my humanity left in my ruined body to face untold foes?

[daytime dave]

Sure.

In the one I said I liked, you state what happened, what you are currently doing and that an old foe is likely behind it and will probably appear in the future. You explain that you have a love interest that is keeping you human as you venture to new worlds. The only issue might be repeating the Dillon Dimensional Gate twice in so few words.

The other two blurbs lose me at the beginning. It implies something happened twice, but it does not compel my interest. Both blurbs are nice and short, but the first one seems more interesting than the second minus the first sentence. As a hook, neither last line hooks me. I like the example a last line a little better.

[DsGrouse]

Sure.

In the one I said I liked, you state what happened, what you are currently doing and that an old foe is likely behind it and will probably appear in the future. You explain that you have a love interest that is keeping you human as you venture to new worlds. The only issue might be repeating the Dillon Dimensional Gate twice in so few words.

The other two blurbs lose me at the beginning. It implies something happened twice, but it does not compel my interest. Both blurbs are nice and short, but the first one seems more interesting than the second minus the first sentence. As a hook, neither last line hooks me. I like the example a last line a little better.

Thank you again. I cleaned up the second gate reference and focused on tuning it and the other one to first person. How do these suit you?


Option A:
I am the sole survivor of the failed Dillon Dimensional Gate, and when I stumbled back through the gate, twenty-seven thousand settlers lost their connection to Earth Prime.

Adding insult to injury, the past two years of recovery were a series of harsh lessons, starting with my former employer publicly accusing me of having something to do with the disaster.

Thanks to a brother from my days in the mud and blood, I have a new purpose that allows me to pilot SkipJacks while working to clear my name.

Even though I have found my love, my Siren that grounds my humanity as I forge mankind's path on new worlds, we fear an unseen adversary. Our foe is far older than anyone suspects, and their reach across time, distance, and dimensions is unparalleled.

Option B:

Lightning not only boiled my flesh, it also charred my bones.

A colony world is lost; twenty-seven thousand colonists are severed from humanity, and my former employer blames me.

The incident killed two people. I am broken, alone, and recuperating when my old life knocks on my door with an explanation and an offer.

I learned the attack on the colony was not my foe's first attempt, nor do I believe it will be the last.

[daytime dave]

So I read A and B as if this was the first time I had encountered any of this.
I liked A much better than B. I added the first line of B to the end of the first line of A. I added my own thought about it being an accident. In parenthesis.

Knowing what I have about the project so far, I think B left a lot of holes. It is brief and grabs some attention.


"I am the sole survivor of the disasterous failure of the Dillon Dimensional Gate, and when I stumbled back through the gate, twenty-seven thousand settlers lost their connection to Earth Prime. As I came back, lightning not only boiled my flesh, it also charred my bones.

Adding insult to injury, the past two years of recovery were a series of harsh lessons, starting with my former employer publicly accusing me of having something to do with the disaster. (The real cause was almost unfathomable.)

Thanks to a brother from my days in the mud and blood, I have a new purpose that allows me to pilot SkipJacks while working to clear my name.

Even though I have found my love, my Siren that grounds my humanity as I forge mankind's path on new worlds, we fear an unseen adversary. Our foe is far older than anyone suspects, and their reach across time, distance, and dimensions is unparalleled.

[DsGrouse]

So I read A and B as if this was the first time I had encountered any of this.
I liked A much better than B. I added the first line of B to the end of the first line of A. I added my own thought about it being an accident. In parenthesis.

Knowing what I have about the project so far, I think B left a lot of holes. It is brief and grabs some attention.


"I am the sole survivor of the disasterous failure of the Dillon Dimensional Gate, and when I stumbled back through the gate, twenty-seven thousand settlers lost their connection to Earth Prime. As I came back, lightning not only boiled my flesh, it also charred my bones.

Adding insult to injury, the past two years of recovery were a series of harsh lessons, starting with my former employer publicly accusing me of having something to do with the disaster. (The real cause was almost unfathomable.)

Thanks to a brother from my days in the mud and blood, I have a new purpose that allows me to pilot SkipJacks while working to clear my name.

Even though I have found my love, my Siren that grounds my humanity as I forge mankind's path on new worlds, we fear an unseen adversary. Our foe is far older than anyone suspects, and their reach across time, distance, and dimensions is unparalleled.

That flows pretty well together. Thank you. I appiciate the help, its been a long couple of days working on this.


Here is what I've learned today.

This is a synopsis, and though a blurb often comes from a synopsis, it might not.

The second thing I've learned is that this is equal to 11th through freshman year of college reading level. Which is fine for a synopsis.

But, yes there is a but.

It is not ideal for a blurb.

For a blurb, you want a 7th-grade reading level. What is that like in applicable terms? Most of Hemingway's works were done around that level.

It allows for quick retention on sight. Or so I've been told and read.

Version B is 7th through 10th-grade reading level, depending on which test you compare it against.

What does this mean? Heck if I know. The next thing I learned was concerning click-through rates for sales.

And according to that data, a stock blurb like either of these is darn near useless. As other things lend to a much higher click through rate.


So, i've got some questions out about option A's suitably for ad copy/synopsis and option B' suitably for the blurb. If there is a time when i can edit option b to include high click through data items i will

[DsGrouse]

Case in point, i just made the rounds through all of the places i have my blurbs posted.

It is a dead heat between option A and option B.

Shrug

It proves that I dont know what I dont know.

[daytime dave]

Ha, life has a way of showing you that you know nothing, even though you do.

This has been fun so far. But I don't need to earn anything for my time.

Keep at it.